COLLEGE STUDENTS AGREE: NADER A BUMMER
by Cherm Herlbern
Nine of ten college students recently polled at an off-campus party agreed: presidential candidate Ralph Nader is "a total bringdown." At an informal late night gathering at an apartment in Tempe, Arizona, students at the nearby Arizone State University campus came to a broad-based consensus.
"He's like a total nerd," stated Heather Pennington, a sophomore liberal arts major. "And isn't he like, really old, and stuff? Gross." Freshman Chazz Nowicke agreed, stating, "I don't want to hear from him dude. No freaking way. He reminds me of this kid who sits in the back of my Biology lectures playing with his teeth. I'm sure this kid is really smart and everything, but he's, like, autistic, or something, I guess. I'm not sure."
Brandon Teller, a junior with no declared major, opined that, "I'd hate to be stuck at a party with that guy, Bro. He'd probably pin you against the wall and talk your ear off about environmental. Then he'd be cock-blocking you all night. That's wack."
The only holdout amongst the group was junior Shandra O'Malley, from San Francisco. "Nader is the only one willing to speak his mind about corporate control in Washington. The Republicans and Democrats are just two sides of the same coin," she stated, passing the bong along. "He certainly has my vote for President."
"That dude's running for President?" Teller then asked.
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION DISCOVERED IN IRAN; RUMSFELD ACKNOWLEDGES "CLERICAL ERROR."
WASHINGTON (NB4): Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld called a press conference today to "clear up the error" that lead to the war in Iraq and the subsequent failed search for weapons of mass destruction. According to Rumsfeld, a typographical error by a low-level Pentagon clerk had mistakenly caused the government to assert that WMD's were possessed by Iraq, when they were actually possessed by Iran, a fact proved by today's discovery of unauthorized centrifuges in Iran for use in enriching uranium for nuclear weapons.
"We're all really red-faced about it," a chagrined Rumsfeld admitted, "but in an intelligence report about five years ago, the wrong letter was mistakenly pressed by a typing clerk in the Defense Intelligence Agency. Once that mistake happened, it just kept getting repeated in report after report. By the time we found out about it, things had progressed too far and we already had toppled Saddam Hussein. You just don't admit something like that. Heh heh."
The clerk in question, 38-year-old Don Chelmsford of Alexandria, Virginia, has been reprimanded and will have his pay suspended for one day for his "poor performance quality." "It's just not fair," Chelmsford complained, "that keyboard had a sticky 'n' key, and my finger slipped. Why should I be punished? I didn't invade anyone."
Rumsfeld held firm to his contention that the lowly clerk was ultimately responsible for the war in Iraq and its massive casualities and destruction of property. "And we are making sure that he is fully punished for his misdeeds." When asked if the punishment fit the crime, Rumsfeld tut-tutted and dismissed the reporter from the press conference. "If it's one thing this administration believes," Rumsfeld said, it's making people pay."
When asked if the nation of Iran would suffer a similar fate to that of Iraq, Rumsfeld refused to comment except to state that "nothing will happen to the nation of Iran at this time. We're not that close to Election Day."
KERRY FEELS GAY MARRIAGE DECISION WILL GIVE HIM "HOMOMENTUM"
by Snad Tangycheese
(On The Campaign Bus, Somewhere in Michigan): Senator John Kerry, hoping to continue his winning ways in the Democratic primary season, today downplayed questions about whether the recent decision by the Supreme Court in his home state of Massachussets would provide Republicans with ammunition to use in the upcoming general election campaign.
"I feel fabulous about it, " Kerry said, in a masculine manner. "Although I am in favor of civil unions for gays and lesbians, the Supreme Court of Massachussetts has ordered this, and I must submit to their strong, muscular, bulging opinion," Kerry stated, deeply tongue-kissing his wife to drive home his heterosexuality.
"The majority of Americans will accept this as a fact of life as we move forward," Kerry said today on his campaign bus. "Obviously the members of the Court are big fans of Will and Grace. They have jumped on the bandwagon of homosexuality being hip. They've seen Queer Eye for The Straight Guy, just like myself, and everyone else." Kerry then proceeded to fondle his wife vigorously so that no one would be able to question his manhood. Many journalistists witnessing this spectacle professed to being shocked, but Mrs. Kerry was quoted as being overhwhelmingly in favor of the display.