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Saturday, March 19, 2005
WASHINGTON, D.C. (NB4): With the forceful slamming of a gavel by Vice President Dick Cheney, acting in his role as President of the legistlative body, the U.S. Senate today passed a bill outlawing Democrats. All sitting senators who were members of the Democratic party were immediately escorted from the premises by Halliburton security officers.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, the bill was passed largely along party lines, breezing to acceptance with a vote of 58 to 40, with one abstention. However, more interestingly, six Democratic senators crossed the aisle to vote for their own abolishment. Among these, the most vocal was Senator Joseph Lieberman (Former D, Connecticut), who stated that "in this time of war, America cannot tolerate anything less than solidarity. I shall be happy to lay my career aside for the betterment of the nation." Ben Nelson (Former D, Nebraska) also stated he was "happy to see my President finally be given the strong hand he needs to govern our nation properly, free of interference from those who would scoff at patriotism in this time of crisis."
Republican leaders in the Senate denied to make any comments to members of the press, instead choosing to laugh evilly under their breath. Entreaties from reporters were met by sprays of mace and the application of taser batons by Haliburton security personnel, except for reporters from Fox News and Matt Drudge, who were seen receiving massages and being fed peeled grapes in a back room resembling a roman bath house.
At this hour, uniformed employees of the Wackenhut Corporation were being dispatched to dismantle Democratic Party headquarters. Word from officials is that the building will be shipped to Camp X-Ray at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where it will serve as a modern and advanced torture chamber, replacing the chamber there which is currently running at capacity. President Bush was in his summer palace in Beijing and was not available for comment.


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