tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51370892011-04-21T17:42:01.675-07:00NEWS BEFORE IT HAPPENS!Tomorrow's News Today!
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Hey, Mabel, where are those Lotto numbers?
(18+ Content)
Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comBlogger281100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-1111223454847630362005-03-19T00:57:00.000-08:002005-03-19T01:10:54.850-08:00U.S. SENATE PASSES BILL MAKING DEMOCRATS ILLEGALWASHINGTON, D.C. (NB4): With the forceful slamming of a gavel by Vice President Dick Cheney, acting in his role as President of the legistlative body, the U.S. Senate today passed a bill outlawing Democrats. All sitting senators who were members of the Democratic party were immediately escorted from the premises by Halliburton security officers. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the bill was passed Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-1094862556527490592004-09-10T17:20:00.000-07:002004-09-10T17:33:00.866-07:00BUSH PRESSED TO REVEAL ENDING OF "MY PET GOAT"BUSH PRESSED TO REVEAL ENDING OF 'MY PET GOAT'
Washington, D.C. (NB4): The American Association of Children's Book Critics (AACBC) today filed a Freedom of Information Act request for President Bush's response to the ending of the children's book, "My Pet Goat." President Bush was videotaped reading the book to a group of school children in Florida exactly three years ago tomorrow.
"We think itScotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-1081767706839323562004-04-12T04:01:00.000-07:002004-04-12T04:07:29.483-07:00TOM CLANCY ARRESTED BY DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY
by C. Howie Goze
National Security Corresponder
The Department of Homeland Security announced today that they had arrested author Tom Clancy, due to his "clear knowledge of terrorist motivations and methods of operation." Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge stated that "Mr. Clancy is clearly not telling all he knows. He has written many Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-1081596691849105012004-04-10T04:31:00.000-07:002004-04-10T04:38:43.903-07:00TOP SEVEN HEADLINES ABOUT CONDOLEEZA RICE TESTIMONY IN THE LEFTIST PRESSTOP SEVEN HEADLINES ABOUT CONDOLEEZA RICE TESTIMONY IN THE LEFTIST PRESSDirect from Salmon Johannesburg, NB4 Media Analyzer
Cleveland Fleagle: BURNED RICE
Seattle Lime Tick: RICE-A-WRONGI
Provincetown Percolator: CONDO-LOSER!
Rolling Stone: RICE TESTIFIES; GRATEFUL DEAD STILL BROKEN UP
Variety: CONDI NOT SO FONDI OF DICK BIONDI
Ben-Veniste Family Newsletter: PATRIARCH R. BEN-VENISTE SHINES IN Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-1077882131995797932004-02-27T03:42:00.000-08:002004-02-27T04:08:24.890-08:00COLLEGE STUDENTS AGREE: NADER A BUMMERCOLLEGE STUDENTS AGREE: NADER A BUMMER
by Cherm Herlbern
Campus Correspondent
Nine of ten college students recently polled at an off-campus party agreed: presidential candidate Ralph Nader is "a total bringdown." At an informal late night gathering at an apartment in Tempe, Arizona, students at the nearby Arizone State University campus came to a broad-based consensus.
"He's like a total Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-1077225519752685312004-02-19T13:18:00.000-08:002004-02-19T13:35:18.343-08:00WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION DISCOVERED IN IRAN; RUMSFELD ACKNOWLEDGES "CLERICAL ERROR."
WASHINGTON (NB4): Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld called a press conference today to "clear up the error" that lead to the war in Iraq and the subsequent failed search for weapons of mass destruction. According to Rumsfeld, a typographical error by a low-level Pentagon clerk had mistakenly caused the Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-1076167537121764122004-02-07T07:25:00.000-08:002004-02-07T07:32:22.326-08:00KERRY FEELS GAY MARRIAGE DECISION WILL GIVE HIM "HOMOMENTUM"
by Snad Tangycheese
(On The Campaign Bus, Somewhere in Michigan): Senator John Kerry, hoping to continue his winning ways in the Democratic primary season, today downplayed questions about whether the recent decision by the Supreme Court in his home state of Massachussets would provide Republicans with ammunition to use in the Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-1069208192700706452003-11-18T18:03:00.000-08:002003-11-18T18:16:56.890-08:00JAY LENO TO MAKE MICHAEL JACKSON JOKE
Dateline: Tomorrow
Bigtime television comedian Jay Leno today indicated that he would indeed be making a wide variety of japes, jests and ripostes regarding the criminal investigation of the beleagured pop legend Michael Jackson. "Jacko has been good for tons of material for decades now," the obelisk-jawed funnyman related, "why should I stop now, just Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-1068017018036263312003-11-04T23:22:00.000-08:002003-11-04T23:23:36.336-08:00DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTAL CANDIDATES DEBATE, ENCOURAGE NARCOLEPSY
Eight of the nine Democratic candidates for the office of President of the United States debated tonight, in a spectacle marked some laugh lines and some heated exchanges. Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean stated that....zzzzz.....
Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-1061093381411480402003-08-16T21:09:00.000-07:002003-08-16T21:09:41.463-07:00LARRY FLYNT NAMES CHIEF ADVISOR ON BUKAKKE
by Flem Lemmers
Chief California Recall Correspondent
Pornographer Larry Flynt today named as advisor on the important subject of bukakke, eminent fetish actress and renowned slut Misty Mountenz. Several observers of the crowded California race saw this as a clear attempt to steal some of the fire created earlier in the week by fellow candidate ArnoldScotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-1060939901659724302003-08-15T02:31:00.000-07:002003-08-15T02:39:32.706-07:00
President Bush and his current advisor, "Mister Dumpy."
PRESIDENT DECLARES WAR ON BLACKOUTS: "It's lights out for power shortages," he says
WASHINGTON, AUGUST 19 (NB4IH): President Bush declared war on blackouts in the nation's power grid today, promising to fully investigate the causes of last week's massive power outage in the northeastern United States and parts of Canada.
"In order to Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-1060848651403761272003-08-14T01:10:00.000-07:002003-08-14T01:15:29.190-07:00
This may be the last time you see Bill O'Reilly sitting still.Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-1060847570518149622003-08-14T00:52:00.000-07:002003-08-14T01:17:12.113-07:00BILL O'REILLY DIAGNOSED WITH SPIN
by Dr. Mene Gene
Medical Corresponder
In spite of years attempting to avoid the dread malady, beloved (by himself) Fox News Journaltainment personality Bill O' Reilly has contracted a deadly case of Spin. Mr. O'Reilly's personal physician, Dr. Tufarto D. Wright stated that Mr. O'Reilly had contracted a case of Spin within the previous month. "No one really Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-1060683145848994142003-08-12T03:12:00.000-07:002003-08-12T03:12:25.863-07:00
Kobe Bryant goes to the hole. Er, I mean...Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-106068245100706412003-08-12T03:00:00.000-07:002003-08-12T03:13:15.326-07:00KOBE BRYANT TO RUN FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNORHundreds of local journalists hospitalized after fainting in ecstasy
By Sports Gene
Today NBA basketball sensation and accussed rapist Kobe Bryant announced that he had been observing the race for California governor in the upcoming special recall election, and was throwing his hat into the ring. When asked what ring, he stated "that big-ass ring I Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-1057555365508574792003-07-06T22:22:00.000-07:002003-08-14T01:20:59.630-07:00
Image Courtesy of jtrusk.com - hire this guy now!
JAY LENO MAKES KOBE BRYANT JOKE
BURBANK, CA, July 7, 2003:
Late night talk show host Jay Leno, pictured above, (middle of photo), host of NBC's "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno," coincidentally enough, today in his nightly "monolog" of topical jokes, made light of the arrest of NBA basketball legend Kobe Bryant for sexual assault, which was Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-1057267884389726422003-07-03T14:31:00.000-07:002003-07-03T14:35:20.996-07:00
POSTAL WORKER WINS LOTTERY; NOW ELEGANTLY DISGRUNTLED
by Shnazz Hapsburg, D.N.C.
58 year old postal worker Nab Cabana of Ellicott City, Maryland was today confirmed as the winner of the 15-state Power Nut lottery contest, netting him an after-tax windfall of $57.8 million. Mr. Cabana appeared before a press conference of reporters at the Baltimore offices of the Maryland state lottery to Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-922978512003-04-09T09:10:00.000-07:002003-04-09T09:10:12.186-07:00Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-922978162003-04-09T09:09:00.000-07:002003-04-09T09:09:40.483-07:00LOOTING IN IRAQ!
Our embedded oil painting artist has a dispatch from the scene
The latest news from Baghdad of joyous Iraqi citizens looting government buildings is clearly seen in this oil painting from Hans Van Der Lumbago, our master painter who is imbedded with the 13th Formalist Brigade based at the Hague. This painting was just received in our offices by carrier pigeon and then posted Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-915400522003-03-28T03:31:00.000-08:002003-03-28T03:31:34.716-08:00Oh, Arthur, where hath thou gone?Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-915318262003-03-27T22:57:00.000-08:002003-03-27T22:58:25.000-08:00MARCH 31, 2003
HOTTIES OF THE SECOND GULF WAR
by Jane Spveltzsper
The First Gulf War (1990-1991) gave us the inimitable Arthur Kent, the "Hunk in the Bunker." Too bad he hit the wall. But where are the newsos that get the juices flowing this time around? Where's that eye candy for the lonely single female news junkie (both of them)? Women from coast to coast agree: this time around, it's a Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-911908822003-03-22T11:45:00.000-08:002003-03-22T11:46:03.000-08:00MARCH 23, 2003 - FROM OUR BUSINESS SECTION
IRAQCO TO FILE FOR BANKRUPTCY
by Louis Bobarebop
Business Editor
DATELINE BAGHDAD: Leading Iraqi novelties firm Iraqco said it would file for bankruptcy today due to a sudden and massive downturn in demand for its line of Saddam Hussein pencil toppers, bobblehead dolls and Pez dispensers.
Company CEO Ude Al-Tariq stated that "we just haven't been Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-908034952003-03-16T06:21:00.000-08:002003-03-16T06:21:32.576-08:00Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-908034412003-03-16T06:17:00.000-08:002003-03-16T06:17:21.873-08:00
MARCH 18, 2003
ABOVE: Teen dream George W. Bush arrives at Dulles Airport to be greeted by a throng of 35,000 screaming teens (just off camera, not pictured).
BUSHMANIA!
Teens just can't get enough of The "Yeah Yeah" President!
by Glow Lightbird
Teen Page Editor
Today's teens all agree: President George W. Bush is just the dreamiest! A screaming mob of thousands of teens was there to greet Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-905823102003-03-12T04:18:00.000-08:002003-03-12T04:18:21.623-08:00Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-905822872003-03-12T04:17:00.000-08:002003-03-12T04:20:21.000-08:00U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL ACTS DECISIVELY TO POSTPONE DECISION
by Biz Mopeen Akbar
NEW YORK, MARCH 13, 2003:
Members of the United Nations Security Council today took decisive action in agreeing to postpone any decision on actions regarding Iraq or a potential invasion by the United States. "It has been a long and tiring road," said Secretary General Kofi Anaan, "but after hard work by all of the Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-905816732003-03-12T03:58:00.000-08:002003-03-12T03:58:00.140-08:00Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5137089.post-902931492003-03-07T01:52:00.000-08:002003-03-07T01:53:47.000-08:00MARCH 8, 2003: BUSH: "WE CAN ACT"
U.S. President George W. Bush says he is praying that during the current crisis, he will not have to act on his own. "I don't like one man plays," the Thespian-in-Chief commented. "It is the position of this administration that we would like to assemble a large group of talented singers and defeat Saddam Hussein by performing a musical comedy, perhaps a Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00373627864352784689noreply@blogger.com