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Friday, March 28, 2003
 Oh, Arthur, where hath thou gone?
Thursday, March 27, 2003
MARCH 31, 2003
HOTTIES OF THE SECOND GULF WAR
by Jane Spveltzsper
The First Gulf War (1990-1991) gave us the inimitable Arthur Kent, the "Hunk in the Bunker." Too bad he hit the wall. But where are the newsos that get the juices flowing this time around? Where's that eye candy for the lonely single female news junkie (both of them)? Women from coast to coast agree: this time around, it's a bust. The various Kent wannabes have paled in comparison. No love was found for Hans Richtofen, the "German in the Berm." There have been no angusihed cries of lust for Al Jazeera's Ali Akbar-Al-Fatah, nicknamed "Sheik Datass." And CNN's heavily embedded reporter Elliot Rosenthal, the "Babe in the Abrams," has likewise not caused various female thighs to rub together in a frenzy of unfulfilled longing. My advice ladies, is to keep that set tuned to The Bachelor, lock it in, and tear your knob off. Then turn off the TV.
Saturday, March 22, 2003
MARCH 23, 2003 - FROM OUR BUSINESS SECTION
IRAQCO TO FILE FOR BANKRUPTCY
by Louis Bobarebop
Business Editor
DATELINE BAGHDAD: Leading Iraqi novelties firm Iraqco said it would file for bankruptcy today due to a sudden and massive downturn in demand for its line of Saddam Hussein pencil toppers, bobblehead dolls and Pez dispensers.
Company CEO Ude Al-Tariq stated that "we just haven't been getting any orders this week. We haven't heard from our largest customer, the Iraqi Ministry of Loving Saddam, who provided the bulk of our orders." Leading economic experts stated that this filing would undoubtedly have a massive impact on the economy of Taiwan, where the novelty items were manufactured before being shipped to Iraq.
Sunday, March 16, 2003
MARCH 18, 2003
ABOVE: Teen dream George W. Bush arrives at Dulles Airport to be greeted by a throng of 35,000 screaming teens (just off camera, not pictured).
BUSHMANIA!
Teens just can't get enough of The "Yeah Yeah" President!
by Glow Lightbird
Teen Page Editor
Today's teens all agree: President George W. Bush is just the dreamiest! A screaming mob of thousands of teens was there to greet the hot leader as he arrived for his latest tour of speaking engagements and bullying of the electorate. Said Mandy Sandbloom, 15, of Atascadero, California, "Dubya rocks my world! I caught him on TRL with Carson the other day, and he was da bomb! I had to come out here and see him today! Wooo!" Ms. Sandbloom was then tragically trampled and killed by a large coterie of digital camera wielding delinquents.
"I think he's the hottest," agreed Shanequalanda Wilson, 14. "He know how to lay it down. When he go to the U.N. and tell all them, uh-uh, you ain't gonna play George Bush like that, I just tingle all over. Bush is the shiznit!" The magnamous Bush then waved to all his fans before he was hustled into a steel-plated limousine and the crowd was smothered with tear gas. Bush then rushed to the recording studio to lay down some samples for his latest single.
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL ACTS DECISIVELY TO POSTPONE DECISION
by Biz Mopeen Akbar
NEW YORK, MARCH 13, 2003:
Members of the United Nations Security Council today took decisive action in agreeing to postpone any decision on actions regarding Iraq or a potential invasion by the United States. "It has been a long and tiring road," said Secretary General Kofi Anaan, "but after hard work by all of the delegates, at the eleventh hour we have reached a compromise and an agreement has been forged that we will not decide anything until later."
Longtime observers of the diplomatic body were stunned that all the nations of the world could put their differences aside and find common ground to agree upon. "I was sweating it out until the last moment" said a clearly relieved Hans Dimpledork of Lichtenstein, "but I knew that with enough work, a delicate and fragile agreement could be arranged. I only pray that it will hold."
The decision was announced early this morning by a bedraggled and sweaty Anaan, who stated the United Nations would immediately recess for a five week vacation. "All the delegates clearly deserved some time off," the Secretary General said, "after the exhaustive, superhuman task they have accomplished."
Friday, March 07, 2003
MARCH 8, 2003: BUSH: "WE CAN ACT"
U.S. President George W. Bush says he is praying that during the current crisis, he will not have to act on his own. "I don't like one man plays," the Thespian-in-Chief commented. "It is the position of this administration that we would like to assemble a large group of talented singers and defeat Saddam Hussein by performing a musical comedy, perhaps a Gilbert and Sullivan light opera." Bush stated that the upcoming production would require a large number of actors, sets, costumes and hundreds of dangerous, highly explosive missles.
Bush told an assembled group of reporters that this presention would "definitely disarm Iraq, or at least charm them mildly." And while he said he would like to work through the United Nations, "we really don't need anybody's permission, except the publisher of the songs." The production is estimated the most costly ever, with a budget of 500 billion dollars, but Bush still seemed optimistic about its chances. "I know this will just knock them dead," he proclaimed, "and in fact, I anticipate so much success, that afterwards we're going to take this sucker on the road, probably to North Korea."
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