LARRY FLYNT NAMES CHIEF ADVISOR ON BUKAKKE

by Flem Lemmers
Chief California Recall Correspondent

Pornographer Larry Flynt today named as advisor on the important subject of bukakke, eminent fetish actress and renowned slut Misty Mountenz. Several observers of the crowded California race saw this as a clear attempt to steal some of the fire created earlier in the week by fellow candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger, who named as a top economic advisor, Warren Buffett, the second richest man in America. Mr. Schwarzenegger, of Austrian heritage, also named TV exercise equipment hawker Jake Steinfeld, of "Body By Jake" fame, as "Secretary of Pumping You Up."

"I can't believe that he would make a mockery of the campaign in this manner," stated Friz Halfnelson, Professor of Haughtiness at Cal Poly San Luis Obispo. "What was Arnold thinking? On the other hand, Flynt's appointment of Ms. Mountenz can only help his beleaugered campaign to be elected Governor and give everyone in the entire state of California that same feeling: the need to take a shower."

 

President Bush and his current advisor, "Mister Dumpy."

PRESIDENT DECLARES WAR ON BLACKOUTS: "It's lights out for power shortages," he says

WASHINGTON, AUGUST 19 (NB4IH): President Bush declared war on blackouts in the nation's power grid today, promising to fully investigate the causes of last week's massive power outage in the northeastern United States and parts of Canada.

"In order to make sure we have all the right experts on the job, I'd like to induce to you all, my new Advisor on Current Matters, Mister Dumpy." Just then, a hyperactive chimpanzee rollerskated into the East Room of the White House and began to depants the assembled reporters, stopping briefly to attempt to juggle a collection of plastic fish.

"Some people say that Mister Dumpy doesn't know what he's doing. That he doesn't have expert knowledge on high voltage power transmissions, or long distance electrical power grids. But he will prove the naysayers wrong. He has my full support." The grinning simian then dumped a pitcher of ice cold water down the President's pants. The unfortunate primate was then shot at by zealous Secret Service agents. He managed to dodge the bullets and escape the White House grounds while screeching uncontrollably. He is currently at large somewhere in the Washington area at this hour, and anyone with information leading to his capture will be given a reward of several dozen ripe bananas.

 

This may be the last time you see Bill O'Reilly sitting still.

 
BILL O'REILLY DIAGNOSED WITH SPIN

by Dr. Mene Gene
Medical Corresponder

In spite of years attempting to avoid the dread malady, beloved (by himself) Fox News Journaltainment personality Bill O' Reilly has contracted a deadly case of Spin. Mr. O'Reilly's personal physician, Dr. Tufarto D. Wright stated that Mr. O'Reilly had contracted a case of Spin within the previous month. "No one really knows where it comes from," Dr. Wright stated a press conference, "but Bill has definitely got it. He has all the clinical symptoms. It's only a matter of time now."

As many of his viewers are aware, O'Reilly has for several years been ensconced in a plastic "No Spin zone" which has been designed to protect him against the worrying symptoms of Spin. Dr. Wright states that up until about one month ago, his medical condition would have to be considered "fair and balanced." But now, his condition is rapidly deteriorating. The symptoms of Spin will shortly become more pronounced, as Mr. O'Reilly will begin to revolve in a circular motion uncontrollably. Within a few months, he will appear to the naked eye as an indistinguishable blur, eventually becoming completely invisible.

"We can try to treat this with drugs, or change his diet." Some doctors theorize that this condition could result from an iron deficiency, and could be cured with massive doses of spinach. "But really, that's just prolonging the inevitable," Dr. Wright stated. "Our only hope is that perhaps we capture some of the spinning energy he will shortly begin giving off, and harness that energy to power a small village, or perhaps a factory. Only time will tell."

 

Kobe Bryant goes to the hole. Er, I mean...

 
KOBE BRYANT TO RUN FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR

Hundreds of local journalists hospitalized after fainting in ecstasy

By Sports Gene

Today NBA basketball sensation and accussed rapist Kobe Bryant announced that he had been observing the race for California governor in the upcoming special recall election, and was throwing his hat into the ring. When asked what ring, he stated "that big-ass ring I gave my wife for 4 million bucks so she would shut her trap." When advised that it was too late for him to file the proper papers and have his name appear on the ballot, Bryant responded, "It don't matter. I could tell people to write my name on their taint in order to vote and I'd still win this election."

In a related development, local hospitals were running at maximum capacity after hundreds of journalists based in the area suffered various medical maladies upon being advised of the astounding news. Some fainted in joy and ectasy at the prospect of two of the most sensational media stories of several years merging into one giant blowout of media speculation. A few fell down and injured backs or broke legs, and several suffered heart attacks. There was an unconfirmed report at Channel 7 television of one veteran anchorman's head exploding, but a station spokesman later corrected these rumors, stating, "no, his toupee always looks like that."

At last report, the entire staffs of The Daily Show and The Onion resigned their positions in disgust, stating that there was no way that anything they possibly wrote could be more absurd than reality, and that the entire concept of satire was now useless and pointless.