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JAY LENO MAKES KOBE BRYANT JOKE
BURBANK, CA, July 7, 2003:
Late night talk show host Jay Leno, pictured above, (middle of photo), host of NBC's "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno," coincidentally enough, today in his nightly "monolog" of topical jokes, made light of the arrest of NBA basketball legend Kobe Bryant for sexual assault, which was made public only yesterday.
The skunk-tressed Leno, a professional comedian his entire adult life, made a number of unflattering comparisons between Bryant and several other professional athletes who had in the past fallen from grace, including O.J. Simpson, Daryl Strawberry and Mike Tyson. He also made note of the commercial slogan of the Nike footwear manufacturing concern, "Just Do It," going on to state that sexual assault was not what the company was referring to. In spite of the fact that Bryant has a handsome endorsement contract with one of Nike's biggest rivals, the shoe manufacturer Adidas, the audience for Leno's show, composed mostly of fanny-pack wearing tourists and slack-jawed yokels, laughed heartily at the jape anyway.
In a post-show writer's meeting, Leno expressed satisfaction with the jokes as presented. According to a highly-placed source in the meeting, Leno quipped, "yeah, the Bryant stuff worked," before moving on to other topics. It could not confirmed at press time if Leno would be returning to the subject of Bryant as inspiration for further rib-tickling jests, but the same source stated that if past performance was any indicator, it would be quite likely. "We milked those O.J. jokes for a good five years," the source, speaking on the condition of anonymity, stated. "You bet we're not letting Bryant off the hook."
POSTAL WORKER WINS LOTTERY; NOW ELEGANTLY DISGRUNTLED
by Shnazz Hapsburg, D.N.C.
58 year old postal worker Nab Cabana of Ellicott City, Maryland was today confirmed as the winner of the 15-state Power Nut lottery contest, netting him an after-tax windfall of $57.8 million. Mr. Cabana appeared before a press conference of reporters at the Baltimore offices of the Maryland state lottery to answer questions about his new found wealth.
"This is going to change a lot of my plans," stated the bloodshot-eyed Cabana. "I originally was going to come into work next week and mow down all my supervisors with a cheap .22 caliber revolver. Now I've got enough cash to procure the most powerful illegal fully-automatic machine gun that exists. That sucker will take everyone out in under ten seconds!" Cabana stated gleefully. "I'm also gonna do it in style, in full length silver fox fur coat and solid gold pinky rings studded with diamonds spelling out my name. I'm also paying a documentary film crew to be there and film the whole thing, and I'm paying Justin Timberlake to write and record a song about it! Damn! Ain't nobody gonna forget about me!"
Postal service in Ellicott City has been suspended indefinitely.