JAY LENO TO MAKE MICHAEL JACKSON JOKE
Bigtime television comedian Jay Leno today indicated that he would indeed be making a wide variety of japes, jests and ripostes regarding the criminal investigation of the beleagured pop legend Michael Jackson. "Jacko has been good for tons of material for decades now," the obelisk-jawed funnyman related, "why should I stop now, just because there's no evidence of anything yet?"
Sherrif's Department Deputies from Santa Barbara County entered Jackson's Neverland Ranch yesterday morning. The renowned rhinoplasty hobbyist was not at his estate, and was reported to be abroad by several people with poor vision. In spite of several bribes, members of the media could not wrench any information from the law enforcement officials, who were tighter lipped than Hillary Duff.
Observers of professional yukmeister Leno speculated that the crag-chinned guffaw coraller would most likely be comparing Jackson, who reportedly is facing further accusations of child molestation, to Catholic priests, or perhaps mooting some variation of the gag that Jackson was going to be marketing a line of children's apparel, because "he can't wait to get into boys' pants." Another potential gag would be some variation on Johnnie Cochran's famous "If it does not fit you must acquit" bromide. Cochran represented Jackson during previous accusations of wrongdoing ten years ago. Representatives for Leno denied that any material regarding Tito Jackson was under consideration for his nightly joke parade known to all far and wide as a "monolog."
DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTAL CANDIDATES DEBATE, ENCOURAGE NARCOLEPSY
Eight of the nine Democratic candidates for the office of President of the United States debated tonight, in a spectacle marked some laugh lines and some heated exchanges. Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean stated that....zzzzz.....