TOM CLANCY ARRESTED BY DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY
by C. Howie Goze
National Security Corresponder
The Department of Homeland Security announced today that they had arrested author Tom Clancy, due to his "clear knowledge of terrorist motivations and methods of operation." Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge stated that "Mr. Clancy is clearly not telling all he knows. He has written many books which bear a striking resemblance to the events of 9/11. For years, he has been able to hide behind the excuse of being an author of fiction. But thanks to our diligent actions, he will not able to hide behind this excuse any longer."
Clancy was arrested at his palatial home in Colorado by a team of Homeland Security shock troops including 28 high security operatives with a phalanx of 28 HUM-V vehicles and three helicopters described by a witness as "Black." When asked how black, the witness replied, "how much more black could they be? The answer is none. None more black."
Clancy was quickly removed to an Undisclosed Location (a trademark owned by the Homeland Security Department, used with their permission), and strapped down to an table for what was described by Ridge as "a completely unnecessary medical examination. A very thorough medical examination. Very. Thorough."
The American Civil Liberties Union objectly strongly to this action by squeaking like a mouse before retreating back into their underground hole. "Squeak! Squeak!" said ACLU spokesperson Jerry. "Squeak! Squeak!"
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