BUSH PRESSED TO REVEAL ENDING OF 'MY PET GOAT'

Washington, D.C. (NB4): The American Association of Children's Book Critics (AACBC) today filed a Freedom of Information Act request for President Bush's response to the ending of the children's book, "My Pet Goat." President Bush was videotaped reading the book to a group of school children in Florida exactly three years ago tomorrow.

"We think it is quite important that before Election Day, President Bush reveal his reaction to the stunning ending of this important work of children's literature," stated Margaret B. Hoffman-Pilkington, spokesperson for the Bowie, Maryland based association. "After all, he took seven very important minutes away from his job as president on September 11, 2001, to finish reading the book. The very least he can tell us is how he felt about the ending."

The President's third assistant press secretary, I. M. A. Prevaricator, responded that "the President is still reviewing the matter. It is very important that the President have the full amount of time to consider his position on this important matter regarding a raging controversy in the world of children's literature. He needs to review all the facts, and will present his findings to the American public very soon."

Ms. Hoffman-Pilkington was not satisfied by such assurances, contending that "the President has had more than enough time to consider his position. It is clear that the merit of the book required his full concentration during a time of national crisis. Now he must come forth with his conclusions. If he does not, then our organization may be forced to endorse his competitor for the office of President."

Although our reporters attempted to contact the Pet Goat herself, she was reported variously to be on a religious pilgramage to Tibet, or in a "strategy session" with her agent in Beverly Hills, and was not available for comment.

 
TOM CLANCY ARRESTED BY DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY

by C. Howie Goze

National Security Corresponder


The Department of Homeland Security announced today that they had arrested author Tom Clancy, due to his "clear knowledge of terrorist motivations and methods of operation." Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge stated that "Mr. Clancy is clearly not telling all he knows. He has written many books which bear a striking resemblance to the events of 9/11. For years, he has been able to hide behind the excuse of being an author of fiction. But thanks to our diligent actions, he will not able to hide behind this excuse any longer."

Clancy was arrested at his palatial home in Colorado by a team of Homeland Security shock troops including 28 high security operatives with a phalanx of 28 HUM-V vehicles and three helicopters described by a witness as "Black." When asked how black, the witness replied, "how much more black could they be? The answer is none. None more black."

Clancy was quickly removed to an Undisclosed Location (a trademark owned by the Homeland Security Department, used with their permission), and strapped down to an table for what was described by Ridge as "a completely unnecessary medical examination. A very thorough medical examination. Very. Thorough."

The American Civil Liberties Union objectly strongly to this action by squeaking like a mouse before retreating back into their underground hole. "Squeak! Squeak!" said ACLU spokesperson Jerry. "Squeak! Squeak!"

 
TOP SEVEN HEADLINES ABOUT CONDOLEEZA RICE TESTIMONY IN THE LEFTIST PRESS
Direct from Salmon Johannesburg, NB4 Media Analyzer

Cleveland Fleagle: BURNED RICE

Seattle Lime Tick: RICE-A-WRONGI

Provincetown Percolator: CONDO-LOSER!

Rolling Stone: RICE TESTIFIES; GRATEFUL DEAD STILL BROKEN UP

Variety: CONDI NOT SO FONDI OF DICK BIONDI

Ben-Veniste Family Newsletter: PATRIARCH R. BEN-VENISTE SHINES IN GRILLING OF UNCOOPERATIVE WITNESS

Bowling Alley Manager News: RICE APPEARS BEFORE CONGRESS; FAILS TO MENTION PROBLEMS OF CUSTOMER RETENTION FACED BY BOWLING ALLEY INDUSTRY

 
COLLEGE STUDENTS AGREE: NADER A BUMMER


by Cherm Herlbern
Campus Correspondent

Nine of ten college students recently polled at an off-campus party agreed: presidential candidate Ralph Nader is "a total bringdown." At an informal late night gathering at an apartment in Tempe, Arizona, students at the nearby Arizone State University campus came to a broad-based consensus.

"He's like a total nerd," stated Heather Pennington, a sophomore liberal arts major. "And isn't he like, really old, and stuff? Gross." Freshman Chazz Nowicke agreed, stating, "I don't want to hear from him dude. No freaking way. He reminds me of this kid who sits in the back of my Biology lectures playing with his teeth. I'm sure this kid is really smart and everything, but he's, like, autistic, or something, I guess. I'm not sure."

Brandon Teller, a junior with no declared major, opined that, "I'd hate to be stuck at a party with that guy, Bro. He'd probably pin you against the wall and talk your ear off about environmental. Then he'd be cock-blocking you all night. That's wack."

The only holdout amongst the group was junior Shandra O'Malley, from San Francisco. "Nader is the only one willing to speak his mind about corporate control in Washington. The Republicans and Democrats are just two sides of the same coin," she stated, passing the bong along. "He certainly has my vote for President."

"That dude's running for President?" Teller then asked.

 
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION DISCOVERED IN IRAN; RUMSFELD ACKNOWLEDGES "CLERICAL ERROR."



WASHINGTON (NB4): Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld called a press conference today to "clear up the error" that lead to the war in Iraq and the subsequent failed search for weapons of mass destruction. According to Rumsfeld, a typographical error by a low-level Pentagon clerk had mistakenly caused the government to assert that WMD's were possessed by Iraq, when they were actually possessed by Iran, a fact proved by today's discovery of unauthorized centrifuges in Iran for use in enriching uranium for nuclear weapons.

"We're all really red-faced about it," a chagrined Rumsfeld admitted, "but in an intelligence report about five years ago, the wrong letter was mistakenly pressed by a typing clerk in the Defense Intelligence Agency. Once that mistake happened, it just kept getting repeated in report after report. By the time we found out about it, things had progressed too far and we already had toppled Saddam Hussein. You just don't admit something like that. Heh heh."

The clerk in question, 38-year-old Don Chelmsford of Alexandria, Virginia, has been reprimanded and will have his pay suspended for one day for his "poor performance quality." "It's just not fair," Chelmsford complained, "that keyboard had a sticky 'n' key, and my finger slipped. Why should I be punished? I didn't invade anyone."

Rumsfeld held firm to his contention that the lowly clerk was ultimately responsible for the war in Iraq and its massive casualities and destruction of property. "And we are making sure that he is fully punished for his misdeeds." When asked if the punishment fit the crime, Rumsfeld tut-tutted and dismissed the reporter from the press conference. "If it's one thing this administration believes," Rumsfeld said, it's making people pay."

When asked if the nation of Iran would suffer a similar fate to that of Iraq, Rumsfeld refused to comment except to state that "nothing will happen to the nation of Iran at this time. We're not that close to Election Day."

 
KERRY FEELS GAY MARRIAGE DECISION WILL GIVE HIM "HOMOMENTUM"

by Snad Tangycheese

(On The Campaign Bus, Somewhere in Michigan): Senator John Kerry, hoping to continue his winning ways in the Democratic primary season, today downplayed questions about whether the recent decision by the Supreme Court in his home state of Massachussets would provide Republicans with ammunition to use in the upcoming general election campaign.
"I feel fabulous about it, " Kerry said, in a masculine manner. "Although I am in favor of civil unions for gays and lesbians, the Supreme Court of Massachussetts has ordered this, and I must submit to their strong, muscular, bulging opinion," Kerry stated, deeply tongue-kissing his wife to drive home his heterosexuality.
"The majority of Americans will accept this as a fact of life as we move forward," Kerry said today on his campaign bus. "Obviously the members of the Court are big fans of Will and Grace. They have jumped on the bandwagon of homosexuality being hip. They've seen Queer Eye for The Straight Guy, just like myself, and everyone else." Kerry then proceeded to fondle his wife vigorously so that no one would be able to question his manhood. Many journalistists witnessing this spectacle professed to being shocked, but Mrs. Kerry was quoted as being overhwhelmingly in favor of the display.