Saturday, March 19, 2005
WASHINGTON, D.C. (NB4): With the forceful slamming of a gavel by Vice President Dick Cheney, acting in his role as President of the legistlative body, the U.S. Senate today passed a bill outlawing Democrats. All sitting senators who were members of the Democratic party were immediately escorted from the premises by Halliburton security officers.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, the bill was passed largely along party lines, breezing to acceptance with a vote of 58 to 40, with one abstention. However, more interestingly, six Democratic senators crossed the aisle to vote for their own abolishment. Among these, the most vocal was Senator Joseph Lieberman (Former D, Connecticut), who stated that "in this time of war, America cannot tolerate anything less than solidarity. I shall be happy to lay my career aside for the betterment of the nation." Ben Nelson (Former D, Nebraska) also stated he was "happy to see my President finally be given the strong hand he needs to govern our nation properly, free of interference from those who would scoff at patriotism in this time of crisis."
Republican leaders in the Senate denied to make any comments to members of the press, instead choosing to laugh evilly under their breath. Entreaties from reporters were met by sprays of mace and the application of taser batons by Haliburton security personnel, except for reporters from Fox News and Matt Drudge, who were seen receiving massages and being fed peeled grapes in a back room resembling a roman bath house.
At this hour, uniformed employees of the Wackenhut Corporation were being dispatched to dismantle Democratic Party headquarters. Word from officials is that the building will be shipped to Camp X-Ray at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where it will serve as a modern and advanced torture chamber, replacing the chamber there which is currently running at capacity. President Bush was in his summer palace in Beijing and was not available for comment.
Friday, September 10, 2004
BUSH PRESSED TO REVEAL ENDING OF 'MY PET GOAT'
Washington, D.C. (NB4): The American Association of Children's Book Critics (AACBC) today filed a Freedom of Information Act request for President Bush's response to the ending of the children's book, "My Pet Goat." President Bush was videotaped reading the book to a group of school children in Florida exactly three years ago tomorrow.
"We think it is quite important that before Election Day, President Bush reveal his reaction to the stunning ending of this important work of children's literature," stated Margaret B. Hoffman-Pilkington, spokesperson for the Bowie, Maryland based association. "After all, he took seven very important minutes away from his job as president on September 11, 2001, to finish reading the book. The very least he can tell us is how he felt about the ending."
The President's third assistant press secretary, I. M. A. Prevaricator, responded that "the President is still reviewing the matter. It is very important that the President have the full amount of time to consider his position on this important matter regarding a raging controversy in the world of children's literature. He needs to review all the facts, and will present his findings to the American public very soon."
Ms. Hoffman-Pilkington was not satisfied by such assurances, contending that "the President has had more than enough time to consider his position. It is clear that the merit of the book required his full concentration during a time of national crisis. Now he must come forth with his conclusions. If he does not, then our organization may be forced to endorse his competitor for the office of President."
Although our reporters attempted to contact the Pet Goat herself, she was reported variously to be on a religious pilgramage to Tibet, or in a "strategy session" with her agent in Beverly Hills, and was not available for comment.
Monday, April 12, 2004
TOM CLANCY ARRESTED BY DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY
by C. Howie Goze
National Security Corresponder
The Department of Homeland Security announced today that they had arrested author Tom Clancy, due to his "clear knowledge of terrorist motivations and methods of operation." Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge stated that "Mr. Clancy is clearly not telling all he knows. He has written many books which bear a striking resemblance to the events of 9/11. For years, he has been able to hide behind the excuse of being an author of fiction. But thanks to our diligent actions, he will not able to hide behind this excuse any longer."
Clancy was arrested at his palatial home in Colorado by a team of Homeland Security shock troops including 28 high security operatives with a phalanx of 28 HUM-V vehicles and three helicopters described by a witness as "Black." When asked how black, the witness replied, "how much more black could they be? The answer is none. None more black."
Clancy was quickly removed to an Undisclosed Location (a trademark owned by the Homeland Security Department, used with their permission), and strapped down to an table for what was described by Ridge as "a completely unnecessary medical examination. A very thorough medical examination. Very. Thorough."
The American Civil Liberties Union objectly strongly to this action by squeaking like a mouse before retreating back into their underground hole. "Squeak! Squeak!" said ACLU spokesperson Jerry. "Squeak! Squeak!"
Saturday, April 10, 2004
TOP SEVEN HEADLINES ABOUT CONDOLEEZA RICE TESTIMONY IN THE LEFTIST PRESS
Direct from Salmon Johannesburg, NB4 Media Analyzer
Cleveland Fleagle: BURNED RICE
Seattle Lime Tick: RICE-A-WRONGI
Provincetown Percolator: CONDO-LOSER!
Rolling Stone: RICE TESTIFIES; GRATEFUL DEAD STILL BROKEN UP
Variety: CONDI NOT SO FONDI OF DICK BIONDI
Ben-Veniste Family Newsletter: PATRIARCH R. BEN-VENISTE SHINES IN GRILLING OF UNCOOPERATIVE WITNESS
Bowling Alley Manager News: RICE APPEARS BEFORE CONGRESS; FAILS TO MENTION PROBLEMS OF CUSTOMER RETENTION FACED BY BOWLING ALLEY INDUSTRY
Friday, February 27, 2004
COLLEGE STUDENTS AGREE: NADER A BUMMER
by Cherm Herlbern
Nine of ten college students recently polled at an off-campus party agreed: presidential candidate Ralph Nader is "a total bringdown." At an informal late night gathering at an apartment in Tempe, Arizona, students at the nearby Arizone State University campus came to a broad-based consensus.
"He's like a total nerd," stated Heather Pennington, a sophomore liberal arts major. "And isn't he like, really old, and stuff? Gross." Freshman Chazz Nowicke agreed, stating, "I don't want to hear from him dude. No freaking way. He reminds me of this kid who sits in the back of my Biology lectures playing with his teeth. I'm sure this kid is really smart and everything, but he's, like, autistic, or something, I guess. I'm not sure."
Brandon Teller, a junior with no declared major, opined that, "I'd hate to be stuck at a party with that guy, Bro. He'd probably pin you against the wall and talk your ear off about environmental. Then he'd be cock-blocking you all night. That's wack."
The only holdout amongst the group was junior Shandra O'Malley, from San Francisco. "Nader is the only one willing to speak his mind about corporate control in Washington. The Republicans and Democrats are just two sides of the same coin," she stated, passing the bong along. "He certainly has my vote for President."
"That dude's running for President?" Teller then asked.
Thursday, February 19, 2004
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION DISCOVERED IN IRAN; RUMSFELD ACKNOWLEDGES "CLERICAL ERROR."
WASHINGTON (NB4): Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld called a press conference today to "clear up the error" that lead to the war in Iraq and the subsequent failed search for weapons of mass destruction. According to Rumsfeld, a typographical error by a low-level Pentagon clerk had mistakenly caused the government to assert that WMD's were possessed by Iraq, when they were actually possessed by Iran, a fact proved by today's discovery of unauthorized centrifuges in Iran for use in enriching uranium for nuclear weapons.
"We're all really red-faced about it," a chagrined Rumsfeld admitted, "but in an intelligence report about five years ago, the wrong letter was mistakenly pressed by a typing clerk in the Defense Intelligence Agency. Once that mistake happened, it just kept getting repeated in report after report. By the time we found out about it, things had progressed too far and we already had toppled Saddam Hussein. You just don't admit something like that. Heh heh."
The clerk in question, 38-year-old Don Chelmsford of Alexandria, Virginia, has been reprimanded and will have his pay suspended for one day for his "poor performance quality." "It's just not fair," Chelmsford complained, "that keyboard had a sticky 'n' key, and my finger slipped. Why should I be punished? I didn't invade anyone."
Rumsfeld held firm to his contention that the lowly clerk was ultimately responsible for the war in Iraq and its massive casualities and destruction of property. "And we are making sure that he is fully punished for his misdeeds." When asked if the punishment fit the crime, Rumsfeld tut-tutted and dismissed the reporter from the press conference. "If it's one thing this administration believes," Rumsfeld said, it's making people pay."
When asked if the nation of Iran would suffer a similar fate to that of Iraq, Rumsfeld refused to comment except to state that "nothing will happen to the nation of Iran at this time. We're not that close to Election Day."
Saturday, February 07, 2004
KERRY FEELS GAY MARRIAGE DECISION WILL GIVE HIM "HOMOMENTUM"
by Snad Tangycheese
(On The Campaign Bus, Somewhere in Michigan): Senator John Kerry, hoping to continue his winning ways in the Democratic primary season, today downplayed questions about whether the recent decision by the Supreme Court in his home state of Massachussets would provide Republicans with ammunition to use in the upcoming general election campaign.
"I feel fabulous about it, " Kerry said, in a masculine manner. "Although I am in favor of civil unions for gays and lesbians, the Supreme Court of Massachussetts has ordered this, and I must submit to their strong, muscular, bulging opinion," Kerry stated, deeply tongue-kissing his wife to drive home his heterosexuality.
"The majority of Americans will accept this as a fact of life as we move forward," Kerry said today on his campaign bus. "Obviously the members of the Court are big fans of Will and Grace. They have jumped on the bandwagon of homosexuality being hip. They've seen Queer Eye for The Straight Guy, just like myself, and everyone else." Kerry then proceeded to fondle his wife vigorously so that no one would be able to question his manhood. Many journalistists witnessing this spectacle professed to being shocked, but Mrs. Kerry was quoted as being overhwhelmingly in favor of the display.
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
JAY LENO TO MAKE MICHAEL JACKSON JOKE
Bigtime television comedian Jay Leno today indicated that he would indeed be making a wide variety of japes, jests and ripostes regarding the criminal investigation of the beleagured pop legend Michael Jackson. "Jacko has been good for tons of material for decades now," the obelisk-jawed funnyman related, "why should I stop now, just because there's no evidence of anything yet?"
Sherrif's Department Deputies from Santa Barbara County entered Jackson's Neverland Ranch yesterday morning. The renowned rhinoplasty hobbyist was not at his estate, and was reported to be abroad by several people with poor vision. In spite of several bribes, members of the media could not wrench any information from the law enforcement officials, who were tighter lipped than Hillary Duff.
Observers of professional yukmeister Leno speculated that the crag-chinned guffaw coraller would most likely be comparing Jackson, who reportedly is facing further accusations of child molestation, to Catholic priests, or perhaps mooting some variation of the gag that Jackson was going to be marketing a line of children's apparel, because "he can't wait to get into boys' pants." Another potential gag would be some variation on Johnnie Cochran's famous "If it does not fit you must acquit" bromide. Cochran represented Jackson during previous accusations of wrongdoing ten years ago. Representatives for Leno denied that any material regarding Tito Jackson was under consideration for his nightly joke parade known to all far and wide as a "monolog."
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTAL CANDIDATES DEBATE, ENCOURAGE NARCOLEPSY
Eight of the nine Democratic candidates for the office of President of the United States debated tonight, in a spectacle marked some laugh lines and some heated exchanges. Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean stated that....zzzzz.....
Saturday, August 16, 2003
LARRY FLYNT NAMES CHIEF ADVISOR ON BUKAKKE
by Flem Lemmers
Chief California Recall Correspondent
Pornographer Larry Flynt today named as advisor on the important subject of bukakke, eminent fetish actress and renowned slut Misty Mountenz. Several observers of the crowded California race saw this as a clear attempt to steal some of the fire created earlier in the week by fellow candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger, who named as a top economic advisor, Warren Buffett, the second richest man in America. Mr. Schwarzenegger, of Austrian heritage, also named TV exercise equipment hawker Jake Steinfeld, of "Body By Jake" fame, as "Secretary of Pumping You Up."
"I can't believe that he would make a mockery of the campaign in this manner," stated Friz Halfnelson, Professor of Haughtiness at Cal Poly San Luis Obispo. "What was Arnold thinking? On the other hand, Flynt's appointment of Ms. Mountenz can only help his beleaugered campaign to be elected Governor and give everyone in the entire state of California that same feeling: the need to take a shower."
Friday, August 15, 2003
President Bush and his current advisor, "Mister Dumpy."
PRESIDENT DECLARES WAR ON BLACKOUTS: "It's lights out for power shortages," he says
WASHINGTON, AUGUST 19 (NB4IH): President Bush declared war on blackouts in the nation's power grid today, promising to fully investigate the causes of last week's massive power outage in the northeastern United States and parts of Canada.
"In order to make sure we have all the right experts on the job, I'd like to induce to you all, my new Advisor on Current Matters, Mister Dumpy." Just then, a hyperactive chimpanzee rollerskated into the East Room of the White House and began to depants the assembled reporters, stopping briefly to attempt to juggle a collection of plastic fish.
"Some people say that Mister Dumpy doesn't know what he's doing. That he doesn't have expert knowledge on high voltage power transmissions, or long distance electrical power grids. But he will prove the naysayers wrong. He has my full support." The grinning simian then dumped a pitcher of ice cold water down the President's pants. The unfortunate primate was then shot at by zealous Secret Service agents. He managed to dodge the bullets and escape the White House grounds while screeching uncontrollably. He is currently at large somewhere in the Washington area at this hour, and anyone with information leading to his capture will be given a reward of several dozen ripe bananas.
Thursday, August 14, 2003
This may be the last time you see Bill O'Reilly sitting still.
BILL O'REILLY DIAGNOSED WITH SPIN
by Dr. Mene Gene
In spite of years attempting to avoid the dread malady, beloved (by himself) Fox News Journaltainment personality Bill O' Reilly has contracted a deadly case of Spin. Mr. O'Reilly's personal physician, Dr. Tufarto D. Wright stated that Mr. O'Reilly had contracted a case of Spin within the previous month. "No one really knows where it comes from," Dr. Wright stated a press conference, "but Bill has definitely got it. He has all the clinical symptoms. It's only a matter of time now."
As many of his viewers are aware, O'Reilly has for several years been ensconced in a plastic "No Spin zone" which has been designed to protect him against the worrying symptoms of Spin. Dr. Wright states that up until about one month ago, his medical condition would have to be considered "fair and balanced." But now, his condition is rapidly deteriorating. The symptoms of Spin will shortly become more pronounced, as Mr. O'Reilly will begin to revolve in a circular motion uncontrollably. Within a few months, he will appear to the naked eye as an indistinguishable blur, eventually becoming completely invisible.
"We can try to treat this with drugs, or change his diet." Some doctors theorize that this condition could result from an iron deficiency, and could be cured with massive doses of spinach. "But really, that's just prolonging the inevitable," Dr. Wright stated. "Our only hope is that perhaps we capture some of the spinning energy he will shortly begin giving off, and harness that energy to power a small village, or perhaps a factory. Only time will tell."
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
Kobe Bryant goes to the hole. Er, I mean...
KOBE BRYANT TO RUN FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR
Hundreds of local journalists hospitalized after fainting in ecstasy
By Sports Gene
Today NBA basketball sensation and accussed rapist Kobe Bryant announced that he had been observing the race for California governor in the upcoming special recall election, and was throwing his hat into the ring. When asked what ring, he stated "that big-ass ring I gave my wife for 4 million bucks so she would shut her trap." When advised that it was too late for him to file the proper papers and have his name appear on the ballot, Bryant responded, "It don't matter. I could tell people to write my name on their taint in order to vote and I'd still win this election."
In a related development, local hospitals were running at maximum capacity after hundreds of journalists based in the area suffered various medical maladies upon being advised of the astounding news. Some fainted in joy and ectasy at the prospect of two of the most sensational media stories of several years merging into one giant blowout of media speculation. A few fell down and injured backs or broke legs, and several suffered heart attacks. There was an unconfirmed report at Channel 7 television of one veteran anchorman's head exploding, but a station spokesman later corrected these rumors, stating, "no, his toupee always looks like that."
At last report, the entire staffs of The Daily Show and The Onion resigned their positions in disgust, stating that there was no way that anything they possibly wrote could be more absurd than reality, and that the entire concept of satire was now useless and pointless.
Sunday, July 06, 2003
Image Courtesy of jtrusk.com - hire this guy now!
JAY LENO MAKES KOBE BRYANT JOKE
BURBANK, CA, July 7, 2003:
Late night talk show host Jay Leno, pictured above, (middle of photo), host of NBC's "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno," coincidentally enough, today in his nightly "monolog" of topical jokes, made light of the arrest of NBA basketball legend Kobe Bryant for sexual assault, which was made public only yesterday.
The skunk-tressed Leno, a professional comedian his entire adult life, made a number of unflattering comparisons between Bryant and several other professional athletes who had in the past fallen from grace, including O.J. Simpson, Daryl Strawberry and Mike Tyson. He also made note of the commercial slogan of the Nike footwear manufacturing concern, "Just Do It," going on to state that sexual assault was not what the company was referring to. In spite of the fact that Bryant has a handsome endorsement contract with one of Nike's biggest rivals, the shoe manufacturer Adidas, the audience for Leno's show, composed mostly of fanny-pack wearing tourists and slack-jawed yokels, laughed heartily at the jape anyway.
In a post-show writer's meeting, Leno expressed satisfaction with the jokes as presented. According to a highly-placed source in the meeting, Leno quipped, "yeah, the Bryant stuff worked," before moving on to other topics. It could not confirmed at press time if Leno would be returning to the subject of Bryant as inspiration for further rib-tickling jests, but the same source stated that if past performance was any indicator, it would be quite likely. "We milked those O.J. jokes for a good five years," the source, speaking on the condition of anonymity, stated. "You bet we're not letting Bryant off the hook."
Thursday, July 03, 2003
POSTAL WORKER WINS LOTTERY; NOW ELEGANTLY DISGRUNTLED
by Shnazz Hapsburg, D.N.C.
58 year old postal worker Nab Cabana of Ellicott City, Maryland was today confirmed as the winner of the 15-state Power Nut lottery contest, netting him an after-tax windfall of $57.8 million. Mr. Cabana appeared before a press conference of reporters at the Baltimore offices of the Maryland state lottery to answer questions about his new found wealth.
"This is going to change a lot of my plans," stated the bloodshot-eyed Cabana. "I originally was going to come into work next week and mow down all my supervisors with a cheap .22 caliber revolver. Now I've got enough cash to procure the most powerful illegal fully-automatic machine gun that exists. That sucker will take everyone out in under ten seconds!" Cabana stated gleefully. "I'm also gonna do it in style, in full length silver fox fur coat and solid gold pinky rings studded with diamonds spelling out my name. I'm also paying a documentary film crew to be there and film the whole thing, and I'm paying Justin Timberlake to write and record a song about it! Damn! Ain't nobody gonna forget about me!"
Postal service in Ellicott City has been suspended indefinitely.
Wednesday, April 09, 2003
LOOTING IN IRAQ!
Our embedded oil painting artist has a dispatch from the scene
The latest news from Baghdad of joyous Iraqi citizens looting government buildings is clearly seen in this oil painting from Hans Van Der Lumbago, our master painter who is imbedded with the 13th Formalist Brigade based at the Hague. This painting was just received in our offices by carrier pigeon and then posted on the internet. Don't ask. It's a budget thing.
In this painting the coalition forces can clearly be seen in their...suits of armor on horseback...ah, the hell with it. You're not buying this, are you?
Friday, March 28, 2003
Oh, Arthur, where hath thou gone?
Thursday, March 27, 2003
MARCH 31, 2003
HOTTIES OF THE SECOND GULF WAR
by Jane Spveltzsper
The First Gulf War (1990-1991) gave us the inimitable Arthur Kent, the "Hunk in the Bunker." Too bad he hit the wall. But where are the newsos that get the juices flowing this time around? Where's that eye candy for the lonely single female news junkie (both of them)? Women from coast to coast agree: this time around, it's a bust. The various Kent wannabes have paled in comparison. No love was found for Hans Richtofen, the "German in the Berm." There have been no angusihed cries of lust for Al Jazeera's Ali Akbar-Al-Fatah, nicknamed "Sheik Datass." And CNN's heavily embedded reporter Elliot Rosenthal, the "Babe in the Abrams," has likewise not caused various female thighs to rub together in a frenzy of unfulfilled longing. My advice ladies, is to keep that set tuned to The Bachelor, lock it in, and tear your knob off. Then turn off the TV.
Saturday, March 22, 2003
MARCH 23, 2003 - FROM OUR BUSINESS SECTION
IRAQCO TO FILE FOR BANKRUPTCY
by Louis Bobarebop
DATELINE BAGHDAD: Leading Iraqi novelties firm Iraqco said it would file for bankruptcy today due to a sudden and massive downturn in demand for its line of Saddam Hussein pencil toppers, bobblehead dolls and Pez dispensers.
Company CEO Ude Al-Tariq stated that "we just haven't been getting any orders this week. We haven't heard from our largest customer, the Iraqi Ministry of Loving Saddam, who provided the bulk of our orders." Leading economic experts stated that this filing would undoubtedly have a massive impact on the economy of Taiwan, where the novelty items were manufactured before being shipped to Iraq.
Sunday, March 16, 2003
MARCH 18, 2003
ABOVE: Teen dream George W. Bush arrives at Dulles Airport to be greeted by a throng of 35,000 screaming teens (just off camera, not pictured).
Teens just can't get enough of The "Yeah Yeah" President!
by Glow Lightbird
Teen Page Editor
Today's teens all agree: President George W. Bush is just the dreamiest! A screaming mob of thousands of teens was there to greet the hot leader as he arrived for his latest tour of speaking engagements and bullying of the electorate. Said Mandy Sandbloom, 15, of Atascadero, California, "Dubya rocks my world! I caught him on TRL with Carson the other day, and he was da bomb! I had to come out here and see him today! Wooo!" Ms. Sandbloom was then tragically trampled and killed by a large coterie of digital camera wielding delinquents.
"I think he's the hottest," agreed Shanequalanda Wilson, 14. "He know how to lay it down. When he go to the U.N. and tell all them, uh-uh, you ain't gonna play George Bush like that, I just tingle all over. Bush is the shiznit!" The magnamous Bush then waved to all his fans before he was hustled into a steel-plated limousine and the crowd was smothered with tear gas. Bush then rushed to the recording studio to lay down some samples for his latest single.
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL ACTS DECISIVELY TO POSTPONE DECISION
by Biz Mopeen Akbar
NEW YORK, MARCH 13, 2003:
Members of the United Nations Security Council today took decisive action in agreeing to postpone any decision on actions regarding Iraq or a potential invasion by the United States. "It has been a long and tiring road," said Secretary General Kofi Anaan, "but after hard work by all of the delegates, at the eleventh hour we have reached a compromise and an agreement has been forged that we will not decide anything until later."
Longtime observers of the diplomatic body were stunned that all the nations of the world could put their differences aside and find common ground to agree upon. "I was sweating it out until the last moment" said a clearly relieved Hans Dimpledork of Lichtenstein, "but I knew that with enough work, a delicate and fragile agreement could be arranged. I only pray that it will hold."
The decision was announced early this morning by a bedraggled and sweaty Anaan, who stated the United Nations would immediately recess for a five week vacation. "All the delegates clearly deserved some time off," the Secretary General said, "after the exhaustive, superhuman task they have accomplished."
Friday, March 07, 2003
MARCH 8, 2003:
BUSH: "WE CAN ACT"
U.S. President George W. Bush says he is praying that during the current crisis, he will not have to act on his own. "I don't like one man plays," the Thespian-in-Chief commented. "It is the position of this administration that we would like to assemble a large group of talented singers and defeat Saddam Hussein by performing a musical comedy, perhaps a Gilbert and Sullivan light opera." Bush stated that the upcoming production would require a large number of actors, sets, costumes and hundreds of dangerous, highly explosive missles.
Bush told an assembled group of reporters that this presention would "definitely disarm Iraq, or at least charm them mildly." And while he said he would like to work through the United Nations, "we really don't need anybody's permission, except the publisher of the songs." The production is estimated the most costly ever, with a budget of 500 billion dollars, but Bush still seemed optimistic about its chances. "I know this will just knock them dead," he proclaimed, "and in fact, I anticipate so much success, that afterwards we're going to take this sucker on the road, probably to North Korea."